Yo!

I feel quite good at the moment - I have taken a stand against a person who gets violent at football games (friendly ones!).  

Goes like this - I have been invited several times to join in football matches on campus with the PG students and some others from other departments. Two weeks ago, we were playing in a full pich match on astroturf and there were two guys that were taking it very seriously.   One I clashed heels with and he played on, but found it difficult to get past me.  When he couldn't get past he said 'oh fuck that has to be a free kick' because there had ben a delay I said 'what for?  and he got a bit angry and kicked the ball straight at me.  Fair enough, but then he went on and on about how I should have been 'gracious' - I didn't think I wasn't but there you go.  Anyway another guy seemed to think that meant I was the whipping boy for the day (I wasn't!) and next time we were close to each other he banged knees with me and screamed wildly for a penalty in his favour.   I again asked 'what for?' because I thought there had been a simple brushing of knees and no real foul.  This second guy, Mike, went totally crazy about it but it was agreed that he should have a penalty which he scored.     Then he spent about 20 minutes trying to piss me off, swearing at me etc during which he said I was a 'fucking homosexual' that he would 'have his cock in my mouth (rape threat??)'  and a few other things.  I didn't get wound up but did ask if he was always like that when he was losing - because I think that was part of his frustration.   Someone also said that if he couldn't calm down, perhaps we both should go off the pitch, which I agreed to as well, but then the game continued.   When he was close to me and out of earshot, he kept trying to needle me, but I didn't rise to it, and that was that.

On Friday 16th July 2010, I went out to play football and Mike (the second guy) was there again, and all seemed well.  He was on my team and we were passing the ball to each other and all was forgotton.   As there were seven players that night, we agreed that one team would be four people and the other three.   The four had a 'stick' goalie (one who stays in his goal) and the other a 'rush' goalie - i.e. the last man back can use his hands.   As this meant that often a turned around attack by the three would mean no-one in goal, we agreed that the team with four players wouldn't shoot unless they were quite close to the goal.   All agreed it seemed.

Mike was in goal at first, and that seemed fine.  When he wanted to change, I took over and Mike played out.   I made a few good saves and then let one in.   We swapped keepers again, and both Mike and I were then playing out.  Mike then started complaining.   We had shot a few times within a reasonable distance, but a few shots were coming from further out, so the team of three re-iterated the rule.  Mike completely lost his rag, saying it was unfair and not real football, at one point saying 'lets all just bend over and bum each other instead' - not in humour I add, but in anger and contempt.   He got so angry about this that the game stopped whilst he was ranting about how it was unfair and not real football (as if three on four is fair and real anyway!), and started to try to kick the ball at players on the other team.     The rest of the team offered that sides could be changed to make things fairer, and also pointed out that one person was going to leave at the next half hour point (or hour, I forget) which was about five minutes away.  He wasn't happy at this and carried on being aggressive, complaining and stoppnig the game.   One of the other players said to him that he could always 'fuck off home' if he was really unhappy with the rules everyone else had agreed.  Before it seemed logical, Mike was shoving and pushing the person (Tyson) trying to push him over.

I ran over thinking 'I've got to divert this before real damage is done or a proper fight starts' and shouted stop stop, if you carry on, you'll get a broken jaw'.   Mike did stop, but instead threatened to fight two on one, then six on one. (ie. he threatened to fight all of us (!).  Putting his fists up.   He said oh I see, is it two then?' directly to me, and I said 'yes if you carry on' - he didn't and calmed down. 

We went into play with no real atmosphere as I could see.  The person who said they were leaving left and the sides swapped around again.   During the game the play was fairly equal, but at one point I chipped the ball over Mike and a shot came afterwards that might have gone in, I don't recall if it did.   Mike then started up again.  Whenever I was close to Mike and others were out of earshot it was 'oh were you trying to break my jaw with the ball' and other comments like that, I felt at the time he was trying to wind me up so that he could justify action on his part, but I didn't rise to it.     When later on I was bending down to pick up the ball in a goal mouth.  Perhaps because I looked cornered and small, Mike launched an attack insulting me, again and trying to get me to fight him.  I told him I wasn't going to get  wound up and he went crazy, swinging a massive haymaker punch.  I ducked and it missed me but it caught me on the thumb and injured it..  

I then asked what he thought he was doing and he went on about being the broken jaw statement (now some 20 minutes previously). I said that I had only said that to stop him attacking tyson, he had stopped and that was it. 

He said 'ooh what if I do it again' and started 'touching' tyson to try to tease me again.  I again said that I wouldn't be goaded into a fight and that it was finished.  He carried on trying to wind me up, and the others intervened.   He then said that we should 'sort it out like men' I said that I thought we were talking like men, what did he mean?' and he said 'you know , go over there and have a fight'.   I said that if we did, he wouldn't win, he then started talking about 'honour'.   He said something about 'two weeks ago'.  I said 'well we were all out of order' (not what i believe!) .

He then said that I 'threatened him'  I asked him if he felt threatened now.  He said 'no'  I said, 'well what is that all about then?' he shrugged.   He went quiet for a while then that was it. 

The game got abandoned and we went home.

I treated my thumb with ice and it was still swollen six days afterwards so I went to the hospital and they suspected a fracture so I had an x-ray.  The result was a little unclear so they said that they thought that it was unlikely there was a fracture, but that they needed to perform a second x-ray to be sure.

I am considering asking for compensation from Mike for this.  I have told the Director of Sports about the incident, including my comments but not reported it to the police.  If I do report it to the police, then I can claim compensation from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority. 

So BORED

So I'm still here - in the same job, getting treated the same and not moving on - what the hell is wrong with me?  I can't understand why I used to be so full of ideas and dreams and ability and here i am rotting in a shit job with awful managers and still allowing myself to get stuck here - I know some of it has to do with a lack of people around me who make me feel like me - only a couple of friends do that on occasion, but they are so not ambitious byound what they are already doing that it fails to motivate me.  I  am trying desparately to get my fionances back to zero, but can't seem to do it, and that seems to be the only thing that I can aim for to make me feel like I cando something with my life.  I'm also trapped by my flat, and posessions., yet each year despite a desire to keep poor, survive only and get that debt sorted, I get more and more into debt.  Its not because i am unreasonable, or bad at spending money ridiculously, or have very high bills, I just am not paid enough, but feel less and less confident about leaving.  

I know, too, that I have been caught by the things I said I wouldn't be caught by - namely managers doing f'all, and hoping I will just leave -now I'm stuck on low wages, low self-esteem, very little chance of being fired, but also very little chance of developing - I can't really understand either why so many other people I know who are often, but not always, no more of an effective worker than I am get promoted, offered new opportunities, are getting trained and developed, but I am fighting to stay sane and together whilst being underused. 

You would think that the above would encourage those around me to say 'buck the hell up, your better that that' etc but they don't, they warn me not to upset my boss and to hang in there - effectively encouraging me only to do what I don't want to do, nor should be doing.  I can't seem to shake  the feeling in myself that perhaps I am deluded and underneath it all I'm stupid useless and can't do bettter - I have to keep reminding myself of my worth over and over, but its sounding hollow - if only one person every now and again would boost egos rather than crushing them.

I've noticed too that some of my friends are never ever complimentary about anything I do- if I buy a nice jacket its not 'that's a nice jacket' its ' oh you could have ironed it (linen) or 'why did you buy that?' what jerks I have as 'friends' - especially when I try to do the opposite.  I know a lot of it is jealousy and a desire not to compliment that is just shittliy british, but its keeping me down and I fucking hate that.

I know that this crappy year will be added to all the other crappy years where I want only one thing to happen - a change of fucking job, but everything I do seems to trap me further in it.

Why?  I don't know - I used to be the sort of person (when I was away from my family.. link?) that would do anything, try stuff, be imaginative and want to grow - now I am hanging on to the 9-5 hoping that somehow the end of the week will find me less poor than at the beginning, but it never does no matter how badly I eat, or how little I buy.

I see so many people folloiwing paths that seem to benefit them, but mine never does - I never know why - Liz from Oxfam has gone from low-paid job to one higher paid than mine in less time than I have been in Leamington, and yet I have done as well as her, and even coached her through her interview - she has more knowlege than me of oxfam, but still, its a retail job that I could do, just as much as admin here is a job that I know more about than others on higher salaries, yet no-one anywhere wants me to use those skills and neither do they want to reward me - its ridiculous -  I even see people with no IT quals getting paid more than me without really knowing what they are doing - and no-one has asked me to aply for HR jobs that I could do, line management jobs that I would do, or project management jobs that I could do, and have done better than the people in them.  ITs just so utterly ridiculous - but also very depressing.  Now I am in a position where anything positive I do is completely unrecognised, or even undermined, such that I am actively not doing anything now and people are blaming other things - I would scream if it wasn't against University Policy...

So a year on and I'mstill doing the same job, not getting paid any more taking on new projects and finding out that I'm thinking and acting at a higher level than some senior people I am working with (eg alumni team with no strategy!!) discovering how much bollocks is talked by people who hold their job only through politics and last night had the usual indignity of being told that somehow I am a smug middle class self-satisfied rich person - on the same income as someone on benefit.   Its amazing to me how blinkered people can be Liz (manager from oxfam) is on less money than benefit would pay her - and still believes that being on benefit gives you less money than being in a job.   Its quite astounding how there is this pervasive idea that a) being on benefit is a last resort position because of how low the payout is (its not, is snobbery that keeps most people off benefit b) that benefit is 'about £30 a week' - its actually about £64 a week c) that being in a job gives you 'loads of opportunities' (it doesn't -you can be paid less than benefit and end up with no time to get anything done) d) that being on benefit is a poverty position and being in a job isn't - I am earning £21K and this means that my take -home pay is equivalent to that of  single parent with two kids on benefit.   I can't afford a family and if I do have one, my salary won't go up nor my house get bigger - someone on the council list who has an extra kid will get both.

Benefit is reactive to station in life - whereas for me, status in life has to wait until my income changes.  

What is outrageous about this situation is that companies are paying employees less than they would earn on benefits - and sometimes in quite responsible and important jobs - without realising it.  they only don't realise it because they think that 'it can't be true' that someone on benefit could be in a better financial position than someone in their company. 

I think its time to start reminding people of this.  Here's a table:

Currently I have been posting a lot on the THES comments pages for articles - its fun noising up academics, but also pleasing to see that when I argue about topics I think I know relatively little about I find I can argue against academics pretty darn well - and even get compliments on them!

Posting under the name Hero mostly with occasional other sock puppets - Godfrey (God), Fergus (the calculator man), and Jeremy.

http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/comment_index.asp?navcode=133 

Oh yes!

Last week was an utter pain - I decided that I should look at doing an MBA to give me a chance to explain everything I've learnt whilst doing shit jobs.  Trouble is that's not what an MBA is for - it for people whose careers are already successful who are already being challenged and whose bosses already recognise their contribution.   Not for people like me who is always unrecognised.

I looked at doing an MBA at Warwick, and they didn't seem to think that it was unreasonable for me to apply - but I'm competing with people who look much better than I do, have company sponsorship and who have already been given the responsibility I am doing the MBA to get.

I looked at other providers and realised that they are harder to get into.  I also found out that Dorothea had applied and failed to get in - and she would get a fawning reference from David... so I'm screwed.

I still want to go ahead but its getting disheartening already.

I contacted the University development team, who told me that yes they would pay for training but no, it wouldn't be for training to do a job higher than the one I'm in.  I asked her why on earth they were calling it development training if it didn't develop people outside where they already were.  She didn't have a good answer.. unsurprisingly.  Then she told me about the appraisal system that is being introduced - and how that could help my 'aspirational needs' but when I asked if that meant that those needs would be looked at and developed again it was 'yes, but not if they are likely to take you out of the role you are in'  then she told me that 'competition was very fierce and that I had to get a job at a higher level before I would be trained to the level to do it.  What a farce!

MBAs are f**ing expensive.. but I worked out that I need £7,000 + £2000 to do three months full time, then part time, which means that when I am doing the part-time component I need to be earning about £30,000.

First stage then is to find an employer who wants to employ a person doing a part time MBA on £30,000 a year.

Shame that it doesn't matter how good you are, or how determined you are, or how good you will be after doing the course - the only way in is if you have the money to do it.  Which means that the only people who can do concentrated study are people from wealthy families who already have so few limits to doing well.

If I do ever make a lot of money I will set up a F**k you scholarship for super bright and aggressive people who can S**t on the privileged people.  If they are going to try so hard to keep me out of their club then I will make f'ing sure they are not in mine.

This weekend was again all about my frustrations.. but was enjoyable.  I was worried.  On thursday I went out with Ann and Marc.. then on Friday Ann hurt her back.. I felt bad for her, but then selfishly thought 'that means I can see them again this weekend'.  I am doing what Cosmo advises against... ie putting a lot of store in one (or two) friends.  Ann is looking v. hot at the moment.  My being single is making that acutely obvious to me at the moment.  I do wonder if I am ever going to have someone as fantastic as her in my life properly. It must be great to be in a great relationship with excellent people.   I am sure that would do me a lot of good.

I had a lot of sun this weekend - but only on the usually exposed places which pisses me off.  I wasn't in any way on a day where I could sunbathe - a bit frustrating!   On Sunday the day reminded me so much of Morocco - not quite as hot, but hot nonetheless.  I left my windows open in the day on Saturday and my house was sooo hot upstairs at night..

I drank quite a lot this weekend - It was a bit miserable going out with Stephen and Marc .. not at the time - I really enjoyed it at the time but because I really would like to meet a girl.. just one! on a night out, but stephen is ex-married, and Marc is married so they are not interested in that so I always have to either go when they do or stay out alone.  Going out in Leamington is annoying anyway because people don't really talk to people they don't already know.. anywhere. Even in shops you have to go in for several months sometimes before people will talk to you.  

I do think, though, that I am much more comfortable in the company of women.  Men can be pretty tedious.  It took a long time and quite a lot of drink before we were talking comfortably about things - there were many conversations about DIY and clothes.  I always thought that when Ann sits and talks its because there is lots that she has to say and people listen to her.. actually it might be because there isn't much talking from Marc. 

(that's unfair.. he talks more on Saturdays... )

I really really need to have sex at the moment.  I'm horny enough to be wondering whether I should use a prositute or try gay sex.. that's not me at all!  The trouble is this silly game you have to play with women of fidelity and real intentions when all you are saying is 'I would like you to use me for sex'.  Its weird,.. I'm pretty good in bed, don't get freaked out by women being women.. including not freaked out by periods or different tastes in bed depending on feelings. I love oral sex and all the things (like hours of non-penetrative sex) that women say they like (if, again, women are really like what cosmo says) as well as being perfectly able to be open about my needs, I'm reasonably fit (see fitness..) am passionate about much more that football ( in fact I'm not really passionate about football.. so chav tarts will be suspicious) I don't think I'm bad looking at all, but yet I get virtually no interest from women at all.

Its all so strange.

Hello!

I had a funny wobble this weekend.  I know why it is but won't say it here, but it has soimething to do with wanting a relationship with someone.. yes someone in particular.. but not being able to have one.. Its driving me crazy!

I felt really angry at where I have let myself end up.  I am a boring university administrator waiting to die, and I can't believe I've ended up there knowing what I know about myself.   I know that I have a huge weakness of not being motivated unless I love a woman... and yet it is that seeming lack of motivation that means i never get over the one or two levels in I need to get past to be really in love.

Its odd, and this should really be in 'life understanding' but it really is the case.  Sometimes I think it is because I like functioning a bit like a women - in that I make sense of things not by sitting on my own but by talking about them with someone who is just listening.  Its funny that women, who so value that experience, seem to forget that men can benefit from it, and instead just talk and talk then say that men are bad listeners when they for a second talk about themselves.. yet that is what they are doing!

That said there is nothing more beautiful than hearing a group of women listening intently to one of them just talk away.  When I start talking away in a group like that, the women get nervous that the attention is moving away and start interrupting! Anyway.. I guess that's because if I really started saying how I feel it would be unsettling for all concerned.

What happened this weekend was that I ended up in a real dark rage about my staying in shitty small town England without being able to get out of it.  The reason I can't get out of it is that I'm in it, and I made such a bit effort to get away from it that I can't begin to understand why I can't do it again.

I am .. in the same way as in Fight Club getting more owned by my possessions... I try to get everything down to a minimum.. clothes, furniture etc.. but then buy it again because people keep commenting on how shit all of that is.

Oh what a waste of a life, body, penis, brain...

I'm just noting that I went to stefan's party last weekend with his gay friends - it was a laugh - we went to a drag bar in Birmingham (the wellington) and watched an act that was poor as an act but great as a singer and surreal to watch.  The show was punctuated by a guest singer who was a short overworked out gay bloke who really really sang - they had both been in Miss Saigon together in the west end - it was very odd to see them in a tiny backroom albeit with lots of lights performing to a pretty sad little gay audience.  At one point the drag act used one of our group's T-shirt as a prop to look like a nun - very funny - especially as when the guy sttod up he had to stand right in the spotlight to get enough purchase on his skinny t-shirt to take it off whick prompted lots of hilarity from the moustachioed biker-gays at the back of the room.

I was lucky that I didn't get picked on - I so often do, but Stefan was in his element getting up on stage to sing some cole porter song with the act. Though I couldn't help but feel a little depressed for the ageing chinese-looking act and his endless 'love you long-time' and 'chin-chin' jokes the episode was deliciously surreal enough to go down as a 'plus'.  The night went on from there to a overly 80s gay pub/disco where I got flirted with by a guy who jumped about like a puppy in front of me - he only went away when I said that he would be suitable contect for a three way that 'my boyfriend' was always trying to set up.  He tried to be sympathetic for a bt before looking inflated and walking away. Phew.  I felt a bit bad but I guess its what you've got to do.   i scored a 'decent guy' point by talking to a bloke whose crutches covered all three urinals He seemed pleased that he crutches hadn't pushed everyone away and we had a good little chat.

Despite my self-image as someone open to experiences it didn't quite feature in any 'might have turned me gay' scale - but was enjoyable nonetheless.   Reading 'GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR COCK?' articles with a lot of wiggling gay men around me was interesting.

We went on to a place that was downstairs near Mr Egg  in Birmingham.  It was full of freaks in a way that may ofr may not have been a good thing - certainly half of the village seemed to be there - at least the more freaky ones - and also some of the people that were at the drag place - perhaps gay Birmingham is a smaller world than I thought - The place also had pissed girls who seemed to want to get off with guys there - but they didn't get off with me - good thing too probably as I was wasted by then.  We took of for chicken wings (me) and dodgy kebab (stefan) and went back to stefan's flat.  I had expected him to go home with someone - he had been quite successful in getting attention - so I hope he didn't have his style cramped by feeling responsible for me. 

During the night one of the guys went home and came back to the 'freaks' place dressed fully up in camp drag - a 6 foot tall over-made up overdressed women - spectacular but odd - didn't look very happy doing it and didn't speak to me when he came back despite standing at the next table.

Stefan also got an Indian boy's number and met up with him a few days later so I guess that makes it a success!

Fiona's wedding party was last night - and I'm still hungover - 'course I didn't know anyone but tried to hold it together by drinking too much - went home with real feelings of responsibility over marriages of people I know - and felt guilty about not doing more for Hazel and Stephen - I ought to have tried to speak with Hazel about it - but the opportunity has gone - the rumour is that she's sleeping with a 40 year old (ok that's only 3 years off my age) who has kids -  its another piece of evidence that relationships = pain.  I wonder if I will ever have one properly?

The wedding also made me realise something about myself - the place was full of alternative, rock and punk types - and I had forgotten until last night how much that was part of who I was - its weird to me now that I don't really know anyone like that.  That song by Nickleback about 'we all wanna be big rock stars' has a line in it about 'I'll gamble it all for fortune and fame - I'll even cut my hair and change my name'  That's kind of what I've done - but in reverse - I've tried really hard to lose all the things about me that I thought were makeing me unsuccessful - and now I'm boring I'm still not successful!   I made a resolution to be more 'me'  but I'm not 100% sure of who that is anymore.

I can't really be just an office worker can I? the world of conventional people seems so dull and tedious - but they do get all the cars and houses.

This is silly - why have a blog where you can't read the comments - its silly and no fun!

Oh Jeez.. I jus' found out I can't have two blogs on Mr Site.. Mr Site negatives = 1. (mind you there are about 1365 positives so far.. so can't complain!)

I just wanted a work one that I could keep hidden - but still know about!  Oh well...

Right I've found -ve point number two - I put a header on ( I thought I could put a header on a page only) and it obscures the main design of the front page .. so I thought - easy.. remove it.. but I can't!   Not even the support people can help.. this is a bit rubbish to not have a 'no header' option..

hmmph

Oh for fuck's sake - this Mr sie is buggin the hell out of me - I have tried every which way to get the tape back on the front page and have had to resport to a really annoying header that I fucking hate and that overlaps with the crapping tape image that I wanted in the first place.

And the MP3 player won't go away now I've got it - its one of Mr site's most annoying features that when you've added something  its impossible to get rid of the f'in thing - that is just stupid - how can you evolve a site without changing things - I hope to christ this isn't one of tose things you have to pay for - you know 'its really easy and all but if you want it to actually work  you need to buy this extra bit - I fucking hate that way of doing business.   I hope to christ that's not going to be the way ths relationship develops.

And what's that with the '93% of my web space used up on the first day?!  That's patently bollocks as I haven't used a fraction of what others have.    I really hope this thingdoesn't turn out to be a massive con - I don't want to suddenly realise I should have gone to a web designer in the first place.

Ok!  This is day One with Mr Site - no doubt I'm going to spend a lot of time on here - its a new toy!  More than that its an opportunity to get my views out there without being constrained by University or site administrators complaining that 'free speech is only free if it agrees with what we want you to say' (cf my post about University Salaries  (I'll cut and paste the content soon but its summary is 'over half the people working at the University of Warwick have salaries that are less than the recommended minimum living expenses International Students are advised to bring)  If you follow the argument of that, it means that if you work at the Uni full time, you can't send yourself to uni, let alone your kids! - so much for inclusion!

I'll try to put in here the stuff that happens to me daily - and may be split to 'work blog' and 'personal/life blog' - it would be a good idea to capture the things that I think about as well! 

eg. Last night I came to the usual realisation that although I think I'm not sometimes, I am fighting really hard to do well in things that I am not naturally inclined to do well at.. eg shit jobs, working and living in a small town, having few friends, having no money, and no relationship.    I am good at getting all of these things to flip over, but for some reason I keep plugging away trying to make a simple thing that I can't do work, instead of doing the complicated things that I can do easily.   Funny that... its like a computer programmer who can't win at solitaire  spending all his/her time bashing away at windows games instead of working on the giant mainframe.. oh wait...

Anyway I realised last night (again) that I keep being near things I want to do but not being 'in' them.  I wonder if everyone feels this way - I certainly didn't at one time, but it has been a feature of my life that I have great ideas that need the support of other people to succeed and grow into action (like I do with other people's ideas) but that for some reason I never quite get that support, or I'm with people that rubbish the ideas.

Here's some things that I have thought of, proposed, had rubbished then other people have done them:

•  A wondering internet radio
• the 'Fear' lecturing course
• A DNA sculpture with all the names of contributers on it for a science department (Mo Afzal!  Guilty!)
• 'Working Leamington' an exhibition of working class jobs in Leamington
• Noisy aggressive grunge rock revival -(like Birthday Party but more intelligent - ahem Grinderman - everyone I know thought it was a shit idea, but oh.. when Nick Cave himself does it the all love it!)